Cat Storage

So this friend of mine is moving right? And she asked me to baby-sit her cat for a week. I being the complete moron I am, said ''SURE! No problem. I love Cats!” Ok, I hate cats. I especially hate THIS cat. I would love to take the little purring demon spawn of Satan and slowly feed it into the garbage disposal BUT- I wont... Why? -cause I am nice guy (moron). OH? So you think I am being unreasonable? Well let me explain the tribulations of the past 12 hours and you'll change your mind. In fact, if you have any sympathy in you at all then you will want to beat the evil feline to death with your stupid PETA picket sign! The name of the beast was Jeff but I prefer to call it Baal, Lord of the Underworld or by its indian name ''You Little #&%@!'' Now when this cute little cuddly furry animal was brought into me he was scared. I understood that he was freaked from the car ride and I was even very understanding about him laying open my skin with his back claws when I tried to hold him. After all he was nervous, in a new place, I was a stranger, I understood. -Why? Cause I am a nice guy (moron). Once I got the bleeding to stop I decided to set up the litter box ...too late. Okaaaay, so then I set it up where Baal had been so gracious as to go ahead and pick out the spot where he wanted his facilities to be located.He spent the rest of the evening running back and forth, from one window to another and making a noise that can only be described as the sound of a tormented soul in hell. (...or maybe that was me.) Either way, it was as annoying as sticking a thumbtack in your big toe and jumping up and down while singing You are My Sunshine! I couldn’t concentrate on TV or reading was out of the question so said good night to the psycho gato by calling him by his indian name and I went to bed. At first I thought it would be best to leave the bedroom door closed so that I didn't have to listen to the yeowling. But this blocked its path to the window and consequently made him very angry. It was after this point that I noticed a marked change in its attitude as it switch to open aggressions towards my person. First the yeowling got louder and more pronounced as though calling up addition powers from Lucifer (its obvious lord and master.) and then he began to throw his body into the door like some sick feline Cujo! I fought with the voice in my head screaming: ''Kill it now, Kill it now! (in retrospect I should have listened to that voice.) But resolved that he would get tired of it soon and so I decided to wait out the tantrum. It worked (or so I thought) because soon the sounds ceased, but unbeknownst to me he was only planning, plotting and gathering strength from his unworldly home of Hades! Now his plan seemed to be quite simple wait till I was sleeping and then wake me up. As soon as I began to snore it began. First with another attack on the door I awoke from that middle ground between sleep and consciousness where I remembered nothing and the entire world seemed surreal and far away. I went to see what polite thief had decided to knock on my bedroom door before entering and raping me (they all want me you know). I doubled up my fist still asleep and not remembering at all what a cat even was. I opened the door prepared to beat in my gentlemanly intruder's face with my bare hands! As soon as I did, however, Baal ran in between my legs and straight under the bed. I tried to get him out by calling ''Heeeeeere kitted kittty kitty, -you little #&%@!) Heeeeeere kitty kitty kitty, -you little #&%@!'' but to no avail.He had hidden himself well in the forgotten junk and trash under my bed and since he was intent on not moving, I assumed it had found a place to sleep.''Ok, as long as your quiet and still'' I conceded and I went back to bed.It must have been five or 10 minutes later that I heard what sounded like a sword fight between 30 or 40 pirates. I leaped out of bed prepared to be run through when, shiver me timbers, it was the butt of the Baal disappearing though the mini-blinds and into the window. ''Right through them huh?” I got up to throw him out but he heard me coming and dashed back through them and to his secret bunker under the bed. I raised the mini blinds up a little so that if he crawled back up there he wouldn't wake me and got back into bed. As soon as I laid my head down, however, I began to understand the genius of the evil I was confronting. There was a streetlight beaming through my window and blinding me where I lay! Right through my eyelids! I turned over but there it was in the mirror! I had to get back up and close the stupid *&%*$& sasafrasing $%$^# blinds! I tried once more to roust the pernicious spawn of underworld devils from its fortified hiding place under the bed but it was entrenched and completely out of sight. I said a pray for mercy and laid back down. As soon as I fell asleep I woke back up with the strangest pressure building on my head, right at my temple, as I tried to move I realized that it was Baal, Lord of the Litterbox , standing on my head. And standing just so that as much weight as possible could be placed onto the softest point on my head. I grabbed the gremlin quickly and carried him out to the hall and shut the door. I had to take some aspirin now. I did and carefully snuck back into my bedroom closed the door and LOCKED IT, -respecting (finally) the genius of his evil mind. Five minutes later as l was almost asleep again when there came the terrible bang of a 10 pound cat hurling its self against a hollow wooden door. Five minutes later again came the crash! Sean Connery insisting ''one ping only!'' ran through my head for some reason. ooooooo I was livid, I was going to call my friend and have them come over and get this yeowling, scratching, peeing, curse from Beelzebub IMMEDIATELY! but the phone was in the other room. Sleep, sleep, sleep, I must sl…. It was about 30 or 40 minutes later in the midst of my deepest sleep yet that the water from the aspirin woke me up. I made my way to the bathroom and on my way back noticed that I had left the bedroom door open. DOH! I looked around -no sign of my tormentor. I didn't care he had been quiet now for almost an hour ...sleep I must. It wasn't long before l was shaken to the core by the incredible loudness and complexity of someone dropping a seven hundred thousand forks on a tin roof! I popped out of mid coma to find my mini-blinds being completely destroyed as he had managed to catch his back paw in one of the little holes and was flailing around like a rabid trout just pulled from the water by a hook. I almost laughed and I did think, “serves you right you wicked dog snack!” Then as I was trying to get the little #&%@ out I was sliced three times! “Ouch, Ouwy, and OoooO that smarts!” (that’s not an exact quote). Once free the apocalyptic beast went straight under my bed again? ''Oh no you don't!'' I screamed and I took out under the bed after him. I moved boxes and shook stuff and made the scariest noises a human can make but I never saw a whisker move. Finally the rage in me had passed and exhaustion washed over me like a bag of bowling balls over a cockroach and I crawled back into bed. Must sleeeeeeep.I laid my head on my pillow and the light from the street lamp shown through my mangled mini-blinds and onto my face but I didn't care. My hand and arm were stinging from the scratches and I would probably loose them to gang green for not washing them, but I didn't care, my leg was throbbing from hitting it on the floor, I had carpet burns on my knees and my head still hurt, but I didn't care. Slee… (exhale) ……eeep. I proceeded to fall into a deep hypnotic sleep, the kind you only get when you are completely exhausted. A trance of a sleep. A comatose state of existence, I was unconscious when for some reason I began to stir again. Have you ever been woken up by a smell? You don’t want to be. It takes one nasty putrid sink hole of a smell to stir a man as tired as I was from unconsciousness! But it was so rank it forced me from sleeptom and I finally had to find out what it was. I opened my eyes AND THERE IT WAS! -Full on in my face -not even 4 whole inches away was the furry doodle berry butt of “You Little #&%@! AYYYYYYYYYYY! That's it!” I screamed as I made a grab, but missed and so I lunged with all my body. I caught just the scruff of his skin as he dashed for his hole under the bed in the process I knocked my bed frame from its brackets on my footboard and whole bed crashed on my head! But I maintained my death hold on the scruff of skin belonging to a now whining, pitiful, sorrowful Baal. It just so happens that in a unique coincidence he had a hold of me too! He had sunk those little needle fangs of his into my hand. And lodged his razor sharp claws into my forearm. I was too mad to feel pain or at least too mad to care. I carried him out of the bedroom chanting udder my breath in an evil way that scared me a little: ''heeeeeere kitty kitty kitty kitty, -you little #&%@. I then pried his jaws apart and gently placed him in the closet by the front door. Closed the door, turned on the fan to drown out any cries and the sound of him destroying the carpet at the base of the door and laid back down on what was left of my bed. A big smile began to spread across my face as blood spread from my wounds onto the sheet and I began to think with no small amount of pride of how man is master of all the beasts of the world after all and then I was out like a light ...for 3 seconds when my alarm went off.Anyone want to keep a cat for a week... ok I wouldn't wish that on you... . Anyone want to keep me for a week?