Valentine's Day Massacre Revisited

The Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom descended on my house last night… First while trying to get to sleep (it was Valentines night remember) I suddenly heard the distinct sounds of geese. I heard bells before, music yes, geese… no. I briefly thought of how strange that they were flying in February and flying so low that I could hear them. Then I went back to trying to make- I mean fall asleep. But the geese kept getting louder and louder until I was almost convinced that they were in the house with me and what was quite unnerving is that sounded a little like laughter! Laughter as a general rule is not the best thing to hear when your trying to get… um.. some sleep. That's when the sensor light came on under the portecochere… I jumped up and gandered out and sure enough there were 20 geese waddling through my carport! What the-?! The one in front barking orders and the rest arguing but following right along never the less. I knew it was foggy but I didn’t know it was foggy enough to ground geese… and when do they make that decision? "Oh its way to foggy to fly lets just hoof it or web it to the next pond." Or was this some Goose Squad out on night maneuvers? I mean what is the geese population of Sulphur Springs Tx? I didn’t know we had any geese much less wild roaming bands of them! I have never seen a single goose on the ground there until last night when an entire herd quacked me up out of bed in the middle of …falling asleep! And who is the HGIC that decided on my yard as a short cut? I was half-afraid they were going to think it was a great idea to cool their paws in my fish ponds… But they kept going and things got quiet again.. About 20 minutes later, right in the middle of trying to fall asleep again, here they come again! They must have mutinied their Goose leader and were backtracking or something… You cant get any… sleep with geese marching up and down outside your bedroom window laughing at you! I finally lost it, I mean the one thing that will ruin your sleepy mood is laughter! -trust me! Anyway the entire neighborhood was then treated to the sound of me yelling "Get the flock out of here!" as I chased 17 water buzzards out of yard in my boxer shorts! (I was the one in the shorts). -hhhhhh I washed my feet and gave up on getting some sleep and went to… well sleep this time to sound of Faith laughing. Now you think that would be enough for me to justify writing a rag about but oh NO the night has just begun! This has nothing to do with wild animals but you know those florescent security lights that stay on all night? They only have them in the country and they are basically streetlights you can buy from the county and lights up a large area. Well they are a must for Dairies and Farms but my neighbor at 718 Connally almost in the center of downtown metropolis of Sulphur Springs must be afraid of the dark because it is DAYLIGHT in their backyard! This in itself is not that bad except that it blocks out a lot of stars but one of the unique characteristics of these little suckers is that they buzz… buzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzz ….oy! Well its quite annoying if you have to be outside for any length of time! Second they are supposed to go off during the day but, oh know, not this one… 24 7 three hundred sixty freaking 5! YYYYYY!!! So last night I was having this dream about buying one of them and trying to figure out how to get it to stop buzzing so I could go replace theirs! Needless to say it was a mildly frustrating dream. That’s when I was awakened by a SCREAMING BABY SEAL! It had to be either that or Mariah Carey in a blender! OH MY GOD! Being an expected father I was up in a flash and ready to kill the bloodthirsty rapist obviously torturing some 12 year old bull horn carrying opera star with a skill saw! I got up a little too fast and hit my knee FIRMLY on the bedpost on my way to the artillery (half a pool cue) I hobbled toward the sound and realized that it had to be coming from my back porch… I opened the curtain… there they were two lovers having their own sweet feline valentine's night! At least somebody was getting some sleep! (I thought to myself) I banged on the window with my fist… they must have been in there own little sensuous world lost in sweet romance and the pangs of passions woes and probably couldn't hear me over their songs of pleasure (or screams of terror -its hard to tell with cats.) So I hobbled to the kitchen and turned on the back porch light which is six 500 watt halogen flood laps… you could bake bread under these suckers! "That will get them" I said. -They didn’t budge… hell they didn’t even blink! The strength of their love was too strong to be broken. I could hear in the screaming -I mean song of passion one of them call out "Nothing will ever come between us, my dear" …that is until I found the two foot long 2 by 4 in the Jacuzzi room -THAT came between them. It almost went through them! They ran off into the dark lusty night of their tender but wild passions (one of them with a nice lump on its head.)I started back to bed cursing the whole way when I got to the Lord's name in vain… I don’t know if it was karma or the sore knee or because I was sleepy or just that I am a complete moronic dork. But I kicked the cat bowl with my left foot sending water all over the kitchen floor and before I could stop myself I placed my right foot in the water. As it went sliding toward the east wall and I put my left foot out to catch myself and it went for the west wall…. Will this night ever end… the answer is no. Somehow in this 32-year-old body a great cheerleading move of painful elegance was born! I did a dorky version of the splits heard and felt something unsettling go "BOING" and I landed on my poor bobo with enough force to make my teeth rattle. Now, somewhere in all this flailing my half a cue stick ended up under me…… no just laying under me flat but whooooh that was a scare! I mean just a little more angle and whoooosh! my innocense is a thing of the past. You can NOT go to the hospital with an injury like. At that point there is no amount of explaining that would keep you off the morning talk shows. So I cleaned up the water, changed my shorts and finally made it back to bed 3:15 am. …3:30 am the Owl started.. "whodie whodie whooooooooo" then silence and the faint sound of buzzzzzzzzz "Na I just imagined it." Exhale…" whodie whodie whooooooooo" "What the?" Every 20 seconds… from 3:30 to 4:15 "whodie whodie whooooooooo" Finally the train came through and merivully drown everything else out. And I got 1 and one half hours of sleep. So that settles it. I am in the market for a nice shotgun. A Browning, a Remington, a Winchester, a Marlin I don’t care! So if you have one or know someone who is looking to get rid of one. I am buying a shotgun. Did I say that… First I am taking out some water fowl from the city park… After a nice supper of goose dumplings I'm going cat hunting. Then I'm knocking out the stupid light at 718 Connally Buzzzzzzz BLAM! and then I'll wait up for guess " whodie whodie whooooooooo"!